An official response to North Korea

Honorable Dictator Kim:

 

I’m not buying that your little nuclear test.  I know you’re faking it and I’m calling your bluff.  You say you’re going to put a nuke on a missile and launch it at the US?  Fine.  You’re missiles can’t hit water falling out of a canoe and your “nukes” don’t exist.  You’re so cute the way you’re lashing out for attention.

 

Tell you what, though.  If you do want to put what you want us to think is a nuke on a missile and launch it towards the US—even if it’s not a real nuke and the missile can’t fly straight—I’ll rain down so much hell and fury you won’t know what hit you.  Mostly because only your shadow will remain, but I think you understand what I mean.  We’ll simply oblige you by lobbing over some real nuclear bombs so you can see how they work.

 

That’s the deal I’m offering.  Either stand down and shut the hell up you stupid, stupid, crazy, stupid man, or the US will nuke like its 1949.  I don’t care if you don’t really have nukes.  I don’t care if you can’t shoot a missile straight.  If something leaves your airspace and you say it’s a nuke, I don’t care if it’s a duck. 

 

You’re going to glow.  Then you’ll be special.

 

How’s that for treating you like an equal?

 

Sincerely,

The collective voice of the world